Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Insecure


Have you been there? So insecure that you wonder if you'll ever have true friends or the people you think are your friends really like you. Where I am now, is where I am praying you will never be. Trying to be perfect is impossible but sometimes your heart just refuses to listen to logic. I even know why I have been trying to be perfect. I am trying to make up for my past. You know that past that is gone, that Jesus completely wiped cleaned, yeah that one. I am so insecure about it. I feel like people still see me as that girl who had an affair.

Why can I not forgive myself when I know others have? I know the shackle of this sin is open but I just haven't been able to remove it. I wake up ever day and try and figure out how I can atone for my past. Who can I help, what can I clean, what can I give up to somehow cover up every wrong doing that has been shared by the gossip of many.

So why am I blogging this, you may ask? Well the reason is two fold. One, I am working on handing this baggage over to The Lord. I have been searching His word and studying as I seek to turn this over to Him. This is way more difficult than I ever imaged it would be. Not because He isn't willing, but because every day I am having to give it back over and over again because my insecurities get the best of me. Second, I want others to know that people who may seem to have it all together struggle with a sin such as pride and forgiveness. My youth minister, my senior year of high school, said something to me that I'll never forget. I'll leave you with it: "What makes your sin so great that Jesus can't forgive you?"