Have you been there? So insecure that you wonder if you'll ever have true friends or the people you think are your friends really like you. Where I am now, is where I am praying you will never be. Trying to be perfect is impossible but sometimes your heart just refuses to listen to logic. I even know why I have been trying to be perfect. I am trying to make up for my past. You know that past that is gone, that Jesus completely wiped cleaned, yeah that one. I am so insecure about it. I feel like people still see me as that girl who had an affair.
Why can I not forgive myself when I know others have? I know the shackle of this sin is open but I just haven't been able to remove it. I wake up ever day and try and figure out how I can atone for my past. Who can I help, what can I clean, what can I give up to somehow cover up every wrong doing that has been shared by the gossip of many.
So why am I blogging this, you may ask? Well the reason is two fold. One, I am working on handing this baggage over to The Lord. I have been searching His word and studying as I seek to turn this over to Him. This is way more difficult than I ever imaged it would be. Not because He isn't willing, but because every day I am having to give it back over and over again because my insecurities get the best of me. Second, I want others to know that people who may seem to have it all together struggle with a sin such as pride and forgiveness. My youth minister, my senior year of high school, said something to me that I'll never forget. I'll leave you with it: "What makes your sin so great that Jesus can't forgive you?"